I think that I may just pass Biology after all. I went to some study sessions with the TA's and it really helped. So when I took my core quiz today, I actually felt like I knew something.
So I think that I've been getting a better handle on my eating disorder lately. However, on the other hand I also feel like I am sliding down that slippery slope into restricting. It's such a frustrating thing. I don't like it at all. Because on some days I feel great and I eat whatever the heck I want and I don't feel guilty about it at all. Then on other days I will feel so guilty for all that I've eaten in like the past week and I hate myself.
And then it's on those days that I hate myself that I critique my body like no other and eat only a little bit. I hate looking in the mirror and viewing myself as a four hundred pound person. I truly hate the way that I look lately, and there's nothing that I can do about it because I can't exercise right now because of my stupid foot.
And tomorrow I have to go to two doctors appointments that are forty five minutes away and so I won't be able to eat lunch. And I'm not going to lie, I am totally excited for that. I'm excited that I will only have a small peach cup for breakfast and that's it. And frankly, that scares me. Because as much as I'm going to love being able to tell my doctor that all I've eaten that day totals around fifty calories, I am frightened at the fact that I am so giddy about it.
My eating disorder frightens me to death. I am always worried that I will gain weight, but on the other hand I am always worried that I won't eat enough and that I'll get sick again. It's a constant battle and I don't like it.
I wrote a poem about it the other day and I like it a lot. It's all about my struggle with my eating disorder. It doesn't have a title yet, but here it is:
Sleep comes like an assassin
So stealthy and so quick.
My body is numb with cold
And exhausted from fatigue.
My eyelids fight to close
But I cannot let them.
Because if I do,
I'm scared I won't wake up.
I never know if I will live to see another sunrise,
Or if my heart will beat long enough to see another day.
I am a soldier
Fighting a long and rough battle
I wish I could return home to see my family
But I cannot
For I am too far into the trenches to be granted leave
The war rages on around me,
And I am afraid.
Will I live to see the end of this war
Or will I end up another statistic,
Lost among the masses?
Will my heart last long enough to see another bloody sunrise?
Will I ever be free again?
I finally got the money for my housing and I paid most of it off. I think that I have just a little over a hundred and eighty dollars left to pay. Which is nice, considering that I did have over three thousand.
Now I just need to find a job. Which is really hard in this economy. But what I don't understand is that I am fully qualified to get a job as a medical coder, but nobody will hire me because I don't have "experience". Screw that. I am a Certified Professional Coder through the AAPC and I went to HOSA (Health Occupation Students of America) Nationals and won first place in Administrative Medical Assisting. And I did the same thing in State. I am perfectly qualified to have a job in medical coding. It is so frustrating.
That and I have my aunts and uncles on my dad's side breathing down my neck about paying my balance on the Jeep that I bought from them. I mean I am looking for I job and I can't do much more than that. I'm not going to screw them over. Family doesn't do that to one another and the last time I checked, they're still my family, even if they don't treat me like it. I'm going to pay them back, it's just a matter of getting a job.
So I am currently talking to my friend and he is being way elusive. He wants to know whether or not I still am crushing on him but his text messages don't make sense. He keeps resending ones that he's already sent.
And truthfully, I don't think I do like him like what I did anymore. It's almost like there's just too much history between us anymore. And besides that, he's changed. He's not the same person that I became friends with anymore, or the person that I began to like. He's just gotten into some things that has made him change as a person and I don't know if I like him anymore because of that. I really think that I just want to be friends with him.
That and he's being elusive on whether or not I hurt him in the past. And if I did I want to know because I never want to hurt any of my friends. But somehow this whole "Are you crushing on me?" thing is mixed up in it, according to him.
But now he's just said goodbye without answering me, so it's almost like I just hurt him again.
This all is just so frustrating because I tell him that I don't really like him anymore, and then he get's mopey. And on top of that he is always talking about other girls that he likes, but he says that he cares about me. It makes no sense. I hate it when people play head games and I am totally mixed up in one as we speak.
I hope he doesn't want to stop being my friend now, because that would be really lame. And you know, it's not my fault if I've moved on. We never got our timing right during high school, why would we now? If he's talking about other girls, aren't I allowed to talk about other boys? I think so. And besides, he's even had a girlfriend while I still liked him. He doesn't really have any room to talk about hurting people. Or get mad. Because he's hurt my feelings a ton.
I mean for goodness sake, I'm the one who dealt with the whole girlfriend situation, and was nice to her. Even if she was a total diva and I couldn't stand her. I was nice. Shouldn't he be nice and still be my friend even if I don't like him anymore?
I don't know. I am probably overreacting here, and I am also pretty sure that my last like five paragraphs didn't make any sense. I was totally babbling. Le sigh.
