I've been feeling extremely depressed lately and that bothers me quite a bit. I cannot seem to get motivated to do anything that I need to do. Like today for example, I completely slept until four-thirty in the afternoon and missed my entire day of classes. That is just not acceptable to me. At all. And I mean it wasn't intentional, I wanted to go to class, but at the same time I'm still angry with myself for even allowing such a horrendous thing to occur.
I also have been really missing being at home lately, or at least just being able to be with my family. I do not miss one bit being at my grandparents home and being belittled by them. I just miss knowing all that is going on in my family's lives and being with them. For so long I wanted to grow up, and now I really just want to go on a vacation with them and just spend time with them and be a little kid again.
I am also extremely worried for my siblings and my mother and their mental health in living with my grandparents. I mean it's not like there is anywhere else to go, but it's certainly not an optimal situation. My grandparents are hateful creatures that I have no sympathy for. It is really frustrating to hear my extended family sing their praises when they don't see what goes on behind closed doors and how they treat my family. I hate it. They sit there and tear them down and belittle them and make them feel like they are worthless and I hate it. My mother told me yesterday that she was a "piss poor excuse for a mother" and that is totally untrue, and I know that she's just saying that because she's lived in that terrible house for so long.
My grandmother has been sick lately and I have no sympathy for her at all. I do not feel sorry for her in the slightest. Which may seem cruel, but I just cannot dredge up feelings for a person who does not try to help herself out and follow her doctors orders. Sure she's anemic, and she doesn't feel good, and she's old and diabetic, and blah blah blah blah blah. But she also doesn't eat properly, she will eat a salad and a glass of milk that has been sitting on the counter for hours and a TV dinner (or some other variation of fast food) for the entire day, which does nothing for her sugars. And she doesn't do anything to strengthen her muscles, so they just atrophy even more because all she does is lay on her bed all day. And I know that you can't really do anything about anemia, but I have a friend who is anemic, and she doesn't just wallow in her bed all day trying to get people to feel sorry for her. She goes to class, and to work, and goes on with her life. Frankly I think that my grandmother is playing all of this up just to get attention and I'm tired of it. She literally drives me nuts.
I'm really frustrated too, because I still have yet to be able to get a job. And I have to be able to have some way to support myself. Because I don't like to have to have other people support me. I don't like to worry about how I am going to pay for school. And I absolutely hate it when people say that I am a mooch (even in jest), because that is the last thing that I want to be and it really rubs me the wrong way. I hate feeling like a mooch because it makes me feel worthless as a human being.
And on top of that, my lovely aunts and uncle on my dad's side are breathing down my neck even more and are threatening to take back my car. I cannot describe how frustrated this makes me. They know that I am trying really hard to find a job, they know that I am in the middle of school, and they know that I am under a lot of stress, but still they couldn't care less. I mean I know that I need to pay on my car, but I can't pay if I don't have money. I don't know what they want me to do here. There is nothing I can do that I'm not already doing. And it's so frustrating because they don't call or try to have any contact with my siblings and I anyway. They don't even care that we exist. I haven't talked to them since May. I mean if my cousin on my father's side was having these same types of issues, it wouldn't even be an issue, they would be patient with him. But with me, it's like I'm the homeless person on the street that they are forced to deal with. And it really hurts because I would love to be able to have a close relationship with them, but they always are so distant when we are around them.
And one thing that has bugged me a lot about them recently other than the fact that they don't care and they don't realize that I am having a hard time financially because they are all well off, is that on my graduation day my aunt was complaining that she really could have used my dad's help that day and was making a semi-big issue about it. I mean for goodness sake! They were just selling a trailer in the want-ads. My dad flew out to see me graduate from high school, I think that I was a little more important. She didn't need to make such a big deal about it. And I mean I know I need to let it go, but it really hurts you know? I mean she didn't even come, and then she was complaining about how my dad went?! I mean come on!
I have just been under so much stress lately it's unreal. My classes this semester are unbelievable. I'm only taking thirteen credit hours, but it might as well be twenty with the amount of homework that I've got each night. It's ridiculous.
And I don't know what I'm going to do about housing next year. Because my friends and I were going to move out together, but that fell through. And if I don't have a job, how am I going to get an apartment? And I don't really want to live in the dorms again, but I mean I might have to. I just really have to figure things out, but it all seems so daunting.
And on top of that, I have been having a lot of health issues lately. And I need to call the doctor, but I've been busy and so I haven't been able to, which makes my mom angry with me, which makes me even more down. It's all one big never ending cycle. I just feel like crying all the time, and it's so frustrating. My face, limbs, mouth, feet, and hands will go numb randomly, I have crazy bad headaches, I'm always tired, I'm achy, dizzy, I can't concentrate, my ribs are still in a lot of pain etc. I swear I'm going insane. I just want to get better.
And I really hate the fact that I am having issues with my weight lately. I mean my body image has been off the charts lately and it's pissing me off. One day it's amazing, and the next it sucks. I hate it. I don't want to slip again, but then at the same time I hate not being able to fit into my clothes anymore. I mean I feel like such a whale. And nobody understands.
And when I try to explain my whole approach about eating to my friends they don't understand. I mean intuitive eating is so much more healthy for me than to count calories, and such and they just don't get that. It's completely frustrating and they kind of make fun of me for it. And I try to not let it bother me, but sometimes it just doesn't work.
I don't know. I am just so frustrated and tired and depressed lately, it's all getting to be so ridiculous. I don't even want to go to class tomorrow.
I really wish that I could just talk to my mom right now, but it's late and she's in bed. And lately she has seemed way preoccupied with other things. And sometimes it's really hard to talk to her about my eating disorder or about my health concerns because she'll be like "Well I told you to call the doctor", and that's not what I really need. Sometimes I just need her to listen. And lately I don't seem to be a priority, and besides, it's really hard to have a meaningful conversation on the phone sometimes. Especially because I seem to have a propensity to hold a lot of stuff inside lately, which is never a good thing. Because eventually it all blows up in my face.
