Death to All Stupidness

I didn't begin to feel depressed until about an hour ago. A time that I really should have been asleep at anyway. However, I never seem to be able to go to be at a decent hour. Never have been able to.

I scheduled my double bunionectomy on my left foot today. And I wanted it on October 9th so that I didn't have to miss a lot of school. Just my two classes that I'm doing well in. However, I can't have it done on that day. I have to have surgery two days earlier. Which I suppose will be good in terms of recuperation, but awful when it comes to my grades. Biology is already kicking my butt and this isn't going to help anything.

I don't know why I am feeling this way. I have no reason to be depressed. I am pumped up on 30 milligrams of Lexapro. Something of which I would rather not be. I hate taking medicine. But I went to the doctor on Thursday and he said that I was ridiculously strung out and that I needed to take more of the "wonder drug".

Truthfully I don't think I would be so stressed out if I had a job and if my housing was paid off. I am trying to find jobs, but nobody is even biting at my resumes. It sucks hard core.

And to top it off, I have gained six to seven (he wouldn't tell me which number) unforgivable pounds that are dripping off of my skeleton. I think I might just die. Of course it's my fault. I never should have eaten all of that ice cream and cookies. What was I thinking? That was unacceptable. How did I let myself do such an awful thing?

I really need to talk to my therapist, I think. But I live out of town now, and so I can't as easily. And truthfully, I'm kind of hurt because I contacted her on Facebook and she hasn't responded. I feel a little left out in the cold. And of course, she's a busy person with a family of her own, so I can't hold her responsible (and I don't), I just need someone to talk to. And sometimes my mom just can't fill the bill. And my roommate, as much as I love her, just doesn't help either. And I know they both try. It's just my fault.

I feel so alone. I need some help. And I feel like I'm just grasping at straws at this point. Won't anybody listen or help me? Am I not worth the effort? Am I too annoying and troubling? Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. But lately it certainly feels like it.