Instantly millions of thoughts that are in no way healthy for my well being flooded into my head and engulfed me.
Too fat, disgusting, jiggly, beached whale, no more eating for me, gross, gross, gross...
I wanted to cry. I hate the way that I look, and whenever I see myself I want to die. I haven't been able to exercise like I would want since May because I separated my ribs and it hurts to do breathe, let alone any physical activity. And swimming and running are absolutely out of the question. Of course they are getting better, but not as fast as what I want them to.
I know that I shouldn't restrict, but I want to so much. I just want to be able to feel my hip bones again and to see my ribs (which are currently obstructed and hidden from view with inflammation) and to be able fit back into my clothes properly. I hate that I don't fit into them as well as what I used to.
And while my roomies tell me that I look just fine, it doesn't make me feel any better about myself because what I see in the mirror is a beached whale.
And to make matters worse, the place that I eat at every day is a buffet! Ugh. Words cannot describe just how much buffet's freak me out. There is so much food there and I can never seem to control myself. I always eat way too much.
I have become more self conscious about what I eat lately. I can't help it if I am ridiculously hungry and I eat a lot. It's certainly a new thing for me to be so hungry, and of course my doctor loves it, but I don't. I know I'm probably eating more because the food is buffet style and I can eat as much as I want. And because I swear I have absolutely no control over what goes into my mouth. I am always cramming food in. I can't ever make it stop. At least it seems that way lately.
I can feel every single jiggle of my body when I move and I am acutely aware of where every imperfection is on my body. Every dimple, every dip, every bump, anything and everything that detracts from the overall attractiveness of my body. And I feel like I need to do something to fix them. Then again I also feel like I don't know how. Which is a ridiculous statement because of course I know how. I'm Anorexic for goodness sake. Well technically I'm not Anorexic, I deal with Anorexia. Which doesn't sound like it's that big of a difference, but believe me it is. Those few extra words are literally the difference between being completely engrossed in my disorder, and being on the road to recovery. Which can also be interpreted into the difference between life and death.
I just feel like I am so out of control. I have had so many thoughts of restricting lately that it's not even funny. And I've been thinking about bingeing and purging lately too. And if my therapist heard me say that she'd absolutely shoot me right now, but that's beside the point.
The real point is that I'm hearing the voices again.
The voices that try and convince me to restrict and to harm my body. The voices that scare me to death because I know of their terms and conditions. The terms and conditions that will bind me to them indefinitely. And it's not just every once in awhile either. I'm hearing them all the time now. But I don't want to give in to them. I just want them gone. Rather, I would just like Anorexia gone. But we all know that that's not going to happen. And I'm supposed to be living in reality here. Not the fantasy land of Anorexia Nervosa.
I want so much to just have one day where I know what it feels like to be able to walk into the grocery store and look at the girls on the magazines and not wish that I looked exactly like them. And to not know what it feels like to think that those same girls are photoshopped, but still wish that I could look like them. I hate thinking that I want to look like something that isn't real, but it happens all the time.
I want to be able to sit down at the table and not feel like I am in the middle of a battle between me and the nutrients that are on the plate in front of me. I don't want to know what it feels like to be completely self conscious about what I eat. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not have force myself away before I begin pinching and prodding and pulling at myself, trying to find places that need to be fixed before I can be "perfect".
But of course I know that this isn't going to happen. Because I am living in reality. Or at least trying anyway.
Lately I have been laying on my bed, thinking about what I can eat and what I can't eat. And figuring out what exercise extravaganza's I am going to put myself through when I can exercise again.
And what kills me is that while I was just writing that last sentence the voices came into my head saying "If you really cared about losing weight, you'd power through the pain of swimming, lazy. You're a terrible Anorexic." Ugh! I am going to lose my mind! I am sick of having things like that come into my mind! I want them to stop!
I have been restricting more lately. And while I love it, I also hate it too. My entire existence is involved in this love/hate relationship. Half of my body is telling me to restrict because I know how much I would love it, but the other half is telling me to keep walking down the road of recovery because I don't want to be where I was ever again. And the awful thing is that both sides are correct. I really miss how I felt when I was restricting, like I was powerful and in control, but I also know that I can remember just how alone and terrible I felt.
And lately I keep having to remind myself of all the consequences that I endured when I was restricting. I was always nauseous, I was always freezing, I didn't have any energy, I didn't have relationships like I do now, my body started growing hair just to try and keep itself warm. I slept my entire day away, I never had enough oxygen, I was losing hair, I bruised easily, I was completely unapproachable, my life was consumed with counting calories and with making sure that I wasn't eating too much, I was always having to hide things, the list goes on and on.
I don't want to live like that again. That's not living. That was me being a complete and total zombie.
And despite all of this, I have still been restricting more often. And I've caught myself counting calories in my head numerous times. It's a good thing that they don't have caloric information posted at where I eat all my meals otherwise this could go downhill really fast.
I don't like feeling this way. I don't like always worrying about calories.
People often say "Well just don't do it then." But it is so much more complex than that. People who suffer from eating disorders can't "just stop". We love our eating disorders just as much as we hate them. And we don't want to give them up. It almost feels like we are killing a best friend or a part of ourselves when we stop restricting. I know that I felt like a part of me had been viciously ripped out of me and stolen from me when I stopped restricting, and I am sure that other people have had similar feelings.
The worst part about this is that members of my own family think that I am making this up. They think that I am doing it just to get attention and because I am a hypochondriac. I cannot even begin to comprehend how they came to this stupid conclusion.
Why would I do this to myself? Why would I want to watch my family cry and be worried all the time? Why would I want to potentially kill myself? Why would I want to make my body so hungry that it starts to break down my muscle just to get nutrients? Why would I want to be sick all the time and watch my hair fall out? Why would I want to potentially do harm to my heart, and kidneys, and liver, and lungs, and other organs?
Simple answer: I WOULDN'T!
I hate how stupid and uneducated they are about this subject. They are so calloused and can't see past the ends of their noses. It pisses me off so much. Especially when they make fun of me for it and specifically talk about weight loss in front of me and shove it in my face.
For one: They aren't losing any weight by exercising for twenty minutes and then going and getting Taco Amigo.
For two: They get mad a me when I restrict, but then glorify each other when they restrict. I hate it!
And finally: I am so annoyed that they think that I am some immature little twit, while their friends in high school are "more mature than me". And I especially hate it when they give me crap for flirting! I can't help it if they are so fat and ugly that people don't want to flirt with them. But certainly don't give me crap about it.
Ugh. Total rant there. I need to stop and cool down. I've got to go to class anyway...
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